“…to have and to hold, from this day forward…” is a common wedding ceremony snippet. In this context I wonder at the meaning of the word Have. Such a simple word but worthy, like all things we consider minor, of greater scrutiny, especially in the matrimonial setting.
Possession usually implies ownership, as in a marital rite. In that context, to literally have someone is grotesque (thoughts of manipulation, dominance, slavery even!). The only way to soften the idea is to say that with ownership comes responsibility and with that responsibility comes a requirement to share. Now I can feel a bit more comfortable if I announce this revised promise “to halve what I have, ’til death do us part.”
I have great memories of wedding my bride at beachside, where we created our own vows consistent with the extent to which we wished to share our lives together. Since then we have built wonderful moments, precious in abundance, not few, as in the 1972 song by Climax. We have built a home where things, matter less than experiences. Sometimes generational analysts wish to summarize an age group by the importance they put on acquiring things. I don’t like lumping people into the same pot, but I admit to being ticked-off by inequality.
People were talking about ‘the haves & the have-nots’ back when I was a kid. Today the references are percentage points, as in the 99% and the 1%. It makes me wonder if generosity has vanished. My parents had a large network of friends and all seemed generous for their time and their meagre possessions. I remember our family visiting a woman after she had lost her husband. I was only ten at the time, but my memory tells me that she wouldn’t let us leave without each of us taking something from her apartment. “I have enough. I won’t be needing it. Here, you like it? You may have it!” My youthful need to have stuff made me wish for a shopping bag. My mom’s stern look and my guilt over being seen as needy, pricked my compulsion to acquire more than just one thing. On the way to the car Mom said mysteriously, “I have a feeling about her.” I’m still guessing what that statement could have meant.
In adulthood, it took me a while to stop feeling anxious about the state of my bank account. Every decision started with, “Can I afford this?” And that’s just thinking about finances. Questions of time, physical resources, emotional commitments, and responsibility to others also affected my ability to be confident that I had enough to get what I needed. It’s hard to be easy about having less, or being satisfied with having enough. Discovering that you can be well looked-after by others, can make you feel more generous. That’s cool!
In the grand scheme of things we just have ourselves. As I age, I’m learning that all I really need is me. Well, that, and a few keepsakes, nicknacks, curios, mementoes, souvenirs, tokens…(you know what I mean).
