A Pretendian is someone who wants to lay a false claim to Indigenous heritage. This can be an insult to aboriginal people as it dilutes their unique culture. I get that. Also, pretending we are someone, who we are not, distorts reality. However, sometimes pretending can show you another view, and that may lead to greater empathy. I like walking in another’s shoes, even for a while. Trying on a different set of clothes brings a new perspective. In the long run we must be satisfied with the fit of the garment to see if it expresses our soul.
Children act-out in public as a function of growing up (Halloween). Actors earn a living being someone else. When my first wife died, I pretended to my community. Depending on the person I was talking to, I might look grief-stricken or I would make light of my situation to bring comfort to others. I attended a grief circle-group to satisfy one well intentioned friend. My participation lasted two sessions: First I told my story, then, on the second and last occasion, I worked hard to assure everyone I was going to be OK (so please, don’t worry about me anymore). I found I could pretend as a way to cope (sometimes called Denial in the Kubler–Ross school of thought). Those days, I found that irrationally humming to cover the sadness would offer me temporary relief (fake-it-til-ya-make-it).
“Oh stop pretending! Stop kidding yourself! You look like a Poser!” were thoughts that came to me from my mirror, as I shaved in the morning. Being pretentious is the dark side of an honest attempt to look on the brighter side of life. The obvious danger in prolonged pretending is that you forget yourself and you end up making poor judgements about how to proceed. It’s a maddening paradox: To be truly happy with the person within, you have to admit that you can’t always be happy. Gurdeep Pandher, a fellow philosopher, warns against blocking out the full range of our experiences by pretending that it will all go away or that it never happened in the first place. Check out his Substack presence.
The other night I woke from a dream about my personal history. My story has often been self-cast in a positive light. My mom would call me her shining star while my sister was often the devil in sneakers. I’m still uncovering the truths behind my deception of “yeah, my childhood was ok compared to others” while getting glimpses that I had it worse than some. Balancing the good with the bad is a challenge, but neither can be ignored at the expense of the other. I am a tapestry; rich with dark and light blended to create the work of art that I am at any point in time. My sister slowly withdrew from life because she stopped seeing the good stuff. Similarly, I don’t want to pretend that the bad stuff never even happened.
We all pretend at various spots in our lives. We evolve. Temporarily we may cover ourselves in a chrysalis, waiting for change to transform our reality.
