Tag: behaviour

Re: Choice

I’ve just finished a provocative book by Robert Sapolski called Determined: A Science of Life Without Free Will. Its main point is that there is no such thing as independent choice. The author gives many examples and even scientific data to show that the act of choosing is not possible, even if we are determined to believe it to be true. Choice comes with so much baggage; personal, genetic, historical, cultural and generational. He argues that these patterns in our lives determine our characteristics and behaviour.

When I was in university the common-area lounge debate was often Nature vs Nurture. Looking back on those times it seems the imperative was to take a side. One fellow, I recall clearly, telling us all that he had a right Not to choose. He gave the example of the election held the week before our discussion. He shocked us by declaring he didn’t vote, and probably never would, as his form of protest against the system. I thought at the time that he was an example of anarchy, which was a side without a side I suppose.

If I choose to believe I have no choice I guess I join those who figure that Fate determines our lives. My 95 year old special mom likes to use the phrase, “What will be will be!” That dismissive comment might work for small burps in our existence but I’d hate to use that notion when it comes to global issues like climate change, inequity, famine, or war. Those who argue that something, as serious as humanity’s deterioration, is inevitable get me angry. When I can’t logically explain that choice is inherent to my being, then I’ll get emotional. And emotion will get me nowhere in a debate regarding my freedom of choice.

We can excuse our actions by complaining that we had no choice. To some that is a cop-out, to others who have less advantage, even from the moment of birth, it is a reason to connect A to B. That great David Lean film Lawrence of Arabia contains a narrative arc that illustrates this point dramatically. Lawrence saves a traveller in his caravan apparently destined to die and boasts that choice changes the outcome. In a following scene, that same man commits a deadly act ordained by the instructions of his god. Lawrence must then execute the very man he saved by his own hand.

Sometimes it’s enough to shrug your shoulders at the conundrum of the decision making process. My sister used to ignore the warning signs of a bad situation while I tend to masticate over every detail before picking the ‘best’ course of action. I’m guilty of shaming others by thinking “Well it’s your own damn fault.” I suspect that might be one of the rationals behind bombing Gaza into oblivion, because of the events of October 7, 2023. Choosing to rebel is considered less holy a crusade than an act of retribution. Therein lies the crime against humanity. Alternatively, when we choose something as important as peace we can make good on the promise of creation.

Re: Most

“You’re the most!” Is a declaration that someone once said to me after I delivered on a promise. This cliched phrase (a relative of ‘you’re too much’) was delivered as a thank you when I held up my end of a bargain. It was one of those humbling moments because I didn’t think I had done all that much. Apparently I went beyond much, into the superlative Most!

The word Most is related to the word Best and can be used to describe all the things you really like. Extreme yet simple words like these appeal to the novice wordsmith and to aged writers who can still relate to the wonders of life. My grandson recently learned this word and wants to use it in his daily speech. He wants to know all the Most things; like who had the most fun, the most dessert, who got the most candies. I tell him I love him the most.

If I were to list the times in my life when I did my utmost, those events would be few. I tend to be a lazy guy, lacking what some might call ambition. The time I had to travel across the Atlantic Ocean to my very ill father comes to mind quickly as an example of superior effort. When I had to respond to a leaking hot water tank required a lot of quick thinking. Sometimes I find large gatherings rather taxing, but I wouldn’t describe my efforts to show patience on those occasions as herculean. In other words, it is probably true that my life is mostly moderate instead of extreme. While I try to get the most out of any circumstance I wouldn’t say that I go overboard to create drama or intrigue. That doesn’t mean I lack enthusiasm. For example, if I say “That’s the most fun I ever had!” someone is bound to point out that I said the very same thing last week. I sometimes, usually, regularly, and predictably live as a character in the film Groundhog Day.

My 95 year old special mom just filled out her MOST form. Medical Orders for Scope of Treatment is a document that directs others to respect her wishes in the event of a life threatening medical situation. Some jurisdictions use DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) paperwork. MOST sounds more positive somehow. The majority of us would like our last moments to be peaceful, I suspect. Most of all my mom wanted to make her medical wishes clear to anyone who might wonder how to proceed on her behalf. She tells her daughter that she has had a satisfactory life and doesn’t want to be anyone’s bother when it comes right down to it.

When Ella Fitzgerald sang the great Cole porter song ’You’re the top!’ she’s giving the highest accolade while feeling joy in the moment. and to my ears she is the mostest. I hope the best I can say, when I reach my special mom’s age, is that I did the most with what I had been given.

Re: Evil

Like most people, I choose to hear no evil, speak no evil and see no evil. But it’s hard these days not to at least ponder the use of this word. Evil seems to be all around us right now. It’s written about in our newspapers, it’s demonstrated on our nightly news, it pops up on our social media sites. I think evil holds some kind of attraction yet I am puzzled as to why.

One genre of film or book I least like is horror. I shy away from tales of the bad deeds that humans do onto others. My recreational viewing and reading is a search for the best we humans can be while overcoming the restrictions of existence. Stories of evil are prevalent in any historical age and no nation is immune from showing inhumanity in policy or deed. Sometimes we Canadians get sanctimonious when it comes to our presence on the world stage yet one only needs to turn to our government’s record regarding the treatment of indigenous populations to put us in our place.

Evil lives in people’s minds. Ignorance can be manipulated by someone to promote and nurture an evil intention. Evil is present whenever I think I can use someone else to attain my goals. Use can quickly turn to abuse if the result of a personal or professional transaction is not satisfactory. Beyond the individual, entire community power structures can be created to maintain the status quo. Society quickly becomes a Them against Us scenario. The abusive power invokes fear through threats and intimidations. An evil power thrives when the community is uneducated. Even majority populations can be cowed into believing things that are not true. False narratives become integral to the structure of Evil.

Prejudice forms part of the root of Evil: That creeping thought that enters the mind suggesting that you, or we, are better than those others, over there. Evil grows. It’s an egregious event to see and hear folks suddenly turn against each other. Sides are chosen by leaders spouting rhetoric that fans the hatred. If you are not with us then you might be considered stupid, or worse, like animals. The road to expressions of indecency towards our fellow creatures is not winding, nor is it as short a distance as we might wish to believe. Thoughts of defence, turn to acts of revenge, turn to denial of the very existence of the other, all too quickly.

Blame is cloaked evil. Many could be named as prophets of hell: Hitler is often invoked yet there are others who have taken a leadership role in acts of inexcusable terror throughout history. Measuring the severity of the crime against humanity gets us a list of who to blame but doesn’t absolve those who clapped, who made deals, who saluted, who perpetrated the policy, who cast their vote. Few can say they had no role. When the finger pointing is done we are still not absolved of responsibility.

Ideologically, we are no better than our neighbour, even if someone tries to convince us it’s true.

Re: Balance

Riding a two wheel bicycle takes balance. The spinning wheels help you keep on your determined path by creating centripetal and centrifugal forces. This feeling of being in motion while creating the power of locomotion is exhilarating and never gets emotionally tiring even if your aging body gets physically zonked.

Many self help books provide guidance about life balance. Keeping your body active is on the list of must dos to reach that daily goal of mixing your life up enough for maximal fulfillment. The sugar laden cereals of my childhood pronounced similar advice on the box’s colourful sides. “Part of a balanced breakfast” was a common nutritional slogan that merged with “Prize inside!” All promises designed to create an illusion of a better you. Buy our product, use your willpower and add a healthy dose of good fortune. In this regard Lucky Charms was a well named cereal even if most of the nutrition came from the milk you sloshed into the bowl.

Everybody has an opinion about a proper work/life balance these days. In reality that goal is about as easy to achieve as getting plates spinning on sticks (current record 108) like performers used to do on the Ed Sullivan Show. Many entertaining acts from the big top days were all about balancing skills: Jugglers, trapeze artists, tightrope walkers and horseback riders all had to have a finely tuned and trained sense of balance. We don’t work in a circus, although we may wish to run away to one sometimes.

Checking my bank balance can make me dizzy, especially if the news of the day has set my mind spinning. I’ll start to worry over the future and the state of imbalance on our planet. The one percent and the poorer 99 percent statistics show clearly how we are a Have and Have-not World. Then I suppose our Earth has never been scaled to justice. To mix the metaphor, the great pendulum of human history always keeps swinging and by virtue of momentum never stays at the mid point of the arc long enough for the common working folk to take a healthy breath before we have to get our bearings set on the next big thing.

And don’t get me started on the notion of balanced reporting when those of evil intent define that to mean that the hate mongers of the world get equal time with the peacemakers. It is being irresponsible to equate freedom of speech to equality of divisive rhetoric. Three minutes of misinformation does not balance three minutes of scientific fact. I try to consider the messenger when a news item comes up. Journalists have an important job to do, without them we would be at the mercy of the most powerful.

There is no balance to be found in pain and pleasure, regardless of whether you opt into S&M role playing as a hobby. And you don’t need to experience hurt before joy has meaning. Looking for a balance in our world can be frustrating because few things are as simple as those moments when we find ourselves coasting without effort.  That’s finding your bliss!

Re: Coat

My dad owned a heavy dark camel hair overcoat when I was a teenager. During those times of pride and prejudice, he cut an impressive figure. He once came to give me a message while I was in the school cafeteria. My friends murmured, as adolescents do, when he walked towards me looking very official. To this day, I regret feeling embarrassed by his presence; when I chose to exchange only the necessary few words of acknowledgement with a man deserving of the distinguished aura he created. 

Reality can’t be disguised with a metaphorical coat of paint. But we try don’t we, with the things we go into debt buying, with the ways we choose to adorn ourselves, with the people we fawn over while ignoring those who matter most. Charades. Facades. A bit of bunting might hide the pretence. What we wear is still considered an indicator of ascendence. The clothes still denote the wealth of the man/woman who wears them. We all strive for and feel we deserve our own coat of many colours.

There was a folky English tradition amongst my parent’s generation to acquire a family Coat of Arms. You would send your last name and any details you could remember of your ancestors to some company. Weeks later you would receive a fancy printing of a heraldic emblem befitting your royal station. We four Thompsons of Canada, newly immigrated from the mother country, were distinctly lower class. Any chance to raise our status, to coat us with a veneer of respectability, was a challenge to be accepted. My dad accomplished this by behaving in the ways of a kind British Gentleman. My mother sought to climb the social ladder in ways that made me doubt her sincerity and question her motivation. 

These two hosted many parties. When my sister and I were young we lived in a small two bedroom apartment where our folks found space to entertain hoards of scary adults in various states of revelry. The noise would keep us awake, so we would wander between the legs of dancers in the living room. We might venture onto the balcony to find people kissing or saluting the moon. We saw frowns, heard swears, and recognized tears from the serious ones talking dramatically in the kitchen. My sister had the ability to fall asleep curled between guests on the couch. I would venture wearily down the narrow hallway to find my parents’ bed, covered with a mound of coats. Predictably, in the absence of adequate closet space, coats were tossed here at the moment of greeting. Fur coats, trench coats, leather jackets, satiny shoulder wraps, knitted, woven, quilted and stitched items smelling of tobacco, perfume and sweat, all flung in a heap and mysteriously reclaimed at the end of a night’s celebrations. I would squirrel my way into this fragrant mass of fabric escaping the mayhem while finding comfort in the arms, collars, buttons, pockets and belts. I would wake in my bunk next morning wondering of the magic of adulthood.

Re: Relax

I once took a course in anger management. When I indicated this fact on a resume, at a subsequent job interview for a high school teaching position, the boss asked if I had anger issues. I said, “No but a lot of people seem to.” The tension dispersed and he laughed. I explained to the Principal that in teaching I found it helpful to have a variety of skills for defusing the anger I had found in my classrooms. He was listening. I told him that some strategies also benefitted me when it came time to talk through issues with adults during parent/teacher reporting sessions. I said it was an aspect of teacher education that I thought was missing from my original training. He seemed impressed, but I didn’t get the guidance counsellor position that I was applying for that day. I was disappointed. I don’t think it’s sour grapes to say that I suspected he was looking for an administrative policeman in his school, not the conciliator model I was presenting. His loss.

Anybody who has been in a tense situation will tell you the aggressive moment can escalate quickly if someone says the equivalent of, “Just Relax.” As I get older I find it easier to find a calm place to reside in most situations. Tension usually comes looking for me when I have to wait for something, so being retired from the strains of working life sure does help the blood pressure. I’ve also learned that considering priorities before making a decision helps me to wind down enough so that I can make a better decision. ‘It can wait’ are three helpful de-stressing words and not a bad philosophy: ‘acuna matata’, ‘don’t worry be happy’ ‘manyana’. All cultures have suggestions for taking it easy before blowing a gasket.

I think another secret is to build comfort into your day. I could make a list of suggestions but everyone knows their own keys to going with the flow. Some are wise enough not to seek stress to begin with, however, an uneventful life is not very fulfilling. That’s why they call it Stress Management; too much relaxation and we become slugs needing to be fed, too little down time and we can become a bomb ready to explode. I’m getting better at delegating the things I know will create anxiety. I’ll let a trusted friend drive me places because I tense-up in traffic. I am learning to step aside while another friend or colleague solves a problem. I trust my life partner to work by my side. I don’t need to take on every responsibility that’s on my menu of life.

Being high strung maybe okay for high pitched orchestral instruments but not for people. For those who tend to be edgy there are plenty of relaxation techniques to practise. When all else fails I’ll take a glass of spirits, a chill pill or THC brownie without any accompanying guilt. There is a lot to be said for recognizing when our anxiety is getting in the way of our better selves. Life is way too short to let urgency set your agenda, even if that sounds contradictory.

Re: Laughter

At one point during my first marriage, my wife and I looked at each other through tears saying simultaneously, “We’ve got to laugh more.” We’d just been laughing, belly aching hard, over something that is lost to my memory. It was fun to be breathless from humour rather than daily toil. We knew we had been missing something with our laser focus being trained on the responsibility of parenting three little boys. We were strung out on diapers, defiant temper tantrums and sibling squabbles. Laughter is the best medicine, at least that’s what Reader’s Digest said back then, and we realized in that hysterical moment that we had been laugh deprived.

I’m a serious guy by nature and I know I don’t laugh enough. I prefer topics of conversation that go deep. My shoulders seem adapted to carry the weight of the world. Some people hide from the dark side of life while I can be a bit intimidated by a room full of chortling people. For just an insane moment I’ll think that I am the butt of someone’s joke and it puts me off balance. My mom used to be a master of sarcasm, which I never learned to master. She would preach that her humour was an attempt to make a person laugh at themselves; “Come on I’m just kidding!” I think she had a twisted understanding of the phrase, ‘Laugh with me, not at me.’

There is probably a reason why late night talk shows are so popular. We do need to laugh at ourselves and the situations we find ourselves in when everything seems so grim. We need the news delivered with a dash of comedy; just a spoon full of sugar and all that miserable stuff is a tad easier to swallow. History is filled with examples of clowns and jesters presiding over a community spectacle while our fellow citizens were led to the gallows by the executioner’s hand. Slapstick comedy comes from such roots: Someone falling is irresistibly funny in spite of our desire to express empathy for a person’s plight. My favourite comedians are still The Three Stooges yet they are consistently mean to each other. Go figure.

Maybe laughter is a judgement on us and from us. My wise 94 year old mother-in-law asked me recently if I can I laugh at myself. I wondered what she was getting at. I gave her a philosophical answer along the lines of not enjoying being teased. I said I didn’t like it if I thought someone was laughing at my expense. She sort of went, “hmmm”. Which made me feel judged. I wanted to go all Popeye on her telling her to accept me as I am. In the end it wasn’t an issue, just a question, and there I go again being too serious.

Laughing out loud is an expression of our soul. Like showing any emotion, a laugh can connect us to our spirit. I’ll start with a chuckle and see if I can work my way up to a roar.

Re: Umpire

I like the game of baseball for many reasons. Top of the list is because baseball tells a story and umpires are important players in that story. Collectively they are a third team on the field. Their decisions regarding the pace, adjudication and conclusion of any particular contest is a factor in the drama that unfolds through a standard nine innings. The position of Umpire is not exclusive to baseball but the title has a more judgemental ring to it than Referee. And the oft used short form Ump sounds perfect when describing my mixed feelings towards the game’s ultimate decision makers.

In some sports like Ice Hockey, violence is shruggingly accepted as part of the game, but physical aggression against another player is extremely rare in Baseball. I think that’s because of the gentlemanly code of conduct enforced by the team of umpires. They are quick to reproach players and coaches if they cross a line of contact or conduct. Anything considered bad behaviour, particularly disrespect for the ump, is not tolerated. Punishment is swift. Opposing team members are given minimal warning. It is not unusual for players, coaches or even the managers to be thrown out of the game. I like a game where the umpires’ involvement is frequent. The entertainment value is enhanced for me when a player and ump argue. It can get heated if a manager intercedes on his player’s behalf. Spittle can fly as combatants engage face to face, sometimes within inches of each other, yet there is no laying on of hands. Television viewers are left to read the lips of the throwers of obscenities. “You’re outta Here” can be the final ruling by the Ump who has had enough of the oral aggression. Such marvellous theatre! A courtroom without a gavel, just a conspicuous demonstrative flourish of an arm!

Strike calls at home plate and tag outs on base can be controversial so there is room for appeal through a replay analysis. This adds to the importance of umpiring I feel. It is revealing that the sport recognizes the humanity of the participants that way. It is also notable how umps have discretion as to the timing of the game when one of the players gets hurt during the interaction. Batters routinely question the home plate umpire to see if he is okay, if he gets in the way of a foul ball, even if he previously made a bad call on a pitch. Morals are on display. Kindness is found here.

I feel sports fans must never bad mouth an umpire. Go ahead and groan at a call but don’t throw your crackerjacks. Umps try their best. They know that adherence to the rules makes for a fairer game. They are dressed in black, like judges, for a reason; to make them stand out as the voice of reason in an otherwise emotional game. Respect must be shown, not only for their role but for the sanctity of the game itself. Baseball would change forever if rulings became fully automated: Bots and Baseball would simply not work!

Re: Stress

Trump is back in the regular news cycle and that has me stressed. I’m not alone. That man! Even his name produces stress in many folk. When the 45th President of the United States was on the last election hunt, I asked my doctor for some psychiatric help. The specialist he referred me to asked why I felt anxious. He looked stunned when I named The Donald at the top of my list. History has born me out. Meanwhile I’ve now got the mental health support I need to weather the next storm.

We humans are elastic for the most part. We like to think that we can accommodate, collaborate or compensate but there are times when it becomes mighty hard to even tolerate a person, a group or a situation. Our capacity for stretching can be based on individual temperament which may be grounded by our genes, our upbringing or our experiences. It’s complicated. So complicated that we must never suggest to another to “Just get over it.” People, like cars, have been known to have breakdowns. Even steel bridges snap under pressure.

I was a career elementary school teacher; a profession often ranked high among stressful occupations. My colleagues and I were taught how to see challenges as eustress: a sunny, positive label that encouraged us to master our own fate. Natural body chemicals like adrenaline or dopamine can help. Caffeine helps others. Many turn to jogging, yoga, alcohol or drugs. Back then we didn’t talk much about mental health. Stress leave was stigmatized but prevalent. Going to the psychiatrist was considered a failure in character.

Studies in animal behaviour have suggested that stress produces a fight or flight response in almost all creatures. I’ve discovered that I can mimic those two reactions very quickly in my head, however society frowns on me acting out with a punch, push, slap, or a hasty flight down the stairs and out the back door while shouting obscenities. (Ahem) Besides that, I have found that other F responses have worked for me in tense situations. For example, I’ve been known to faint. My favourite bird example, in stress management, is a Killdeer, who fakes a broken wing to save her nestlings. Sometimes I will ingratiate myself by fawning. Flailing about saying nonsensical things  can confuse an aggressor. I may distract my opponent by fucking, flaunting or feigning my way through a predicament. Or, I can put on a brave front, but it may not last long before I beg for forgiveness.

Identifying my stressors has taken me a while to pin down, yet it has been an essential starting point to create a sense of inner peace. To most people I appear calm and obliging (It’s magic!). However, I’ve become aware and confident enough that I can say to myself and/or others; “This is stressing me out.” I try to avoid the triggers that make me want to shout those words. I’m not afraid to ask for professional help. My brain, after all, is just another body part that needs love and attention.

Re: When

I hate waiting in line. It takes patience to wait for anything. The child in me wants to ask, “When?” Hell for me is the same as stasis. I’m not an antsy person, most people think of me as calm. I can be calm, tranquil even. I’ve been known to bask in the serenity that comes from doing absolutely nothing.  When I have a choice, being still is an easy option, yet I do not like to feel becalmed, beached or otherwise adrift in the Sargasso Sea waiting for a satisfactory trade wind. Under constricting circumstances, the Then part of my life story seems to never come, so I’m stuck crying out, “When!”

There are six great journalistic questions: Who, what, when, where, why, and how. The third in the list was the question I most asked as a kid. Learning patience is hard for anyone, especially when you are four or 94. As a kid whining to my mother I would hear, “If you ask again we won’t be going!” I wouldn’t be getting, having, or knowing either, depending upon the context. When my elderly mother-in-law asks ‘When’ I stay quiet, figuring I’ll have a while before she asks again. She may even forget the whole thing as she listens to her radio. When my own children asked ‘When’ I would say, ‘In twenty minutes.’ This arbitrary amount of time never satisfied them since it could end up meaning sometime next week for all they knew. Sometimes I’m not very helpful.

One of my grandkids loves watching for the garbage truck coming down the street. In his city, the sanitation drivers/workers are very predictable. I saw my little DNA carrier run to the window one morning for no apparent reason. Moments later I realized his little ears had picked up the characteristic screechy sound of the vehicle because there was the workman lifting the cans into the back hopper. My grandchild turned back to his living room play looking satisfied that his world was in order. He was learning to trust that sometimes the Whens of life fit into a schedule that can be planned for and predicted.

I don’t think we can blame technology on our lack of patience. Even as grown-ups we want our stuff now, not tomorrow. Putting in a call to get service for a broken appliance or delivery information can be problematic. We are usually given a window of time when an agent will arrive. Recently for me that ‘window’ was “Between 9am and 5pm on Tuesday” and I paced the day away.

Perhaps adults’ patience level has been eroded lately with all our systems, simply because we are frustrated by the slow approach of getting to that question of when. Confidence in necessary change is enhanced if the public can have a predictable timeline of action. As a citizen I don’t want to be told it will take a metaphorical twenty minutes if it really isn’t going to happen during this business/tourist/health/government cycle.

Then my trust goes in the garbage