Category: behaviour

Re: Concept

The question of how one conceives things is on my mind a lot these days. When I filter the daily news through my life experiences I find myself feeling very curious about how others reached a certain conclusion. It’s my teacher training at work here as I’ve tried in the past to find common ground with my students, but in this present-day case I’m searching for a way to conceptualize my internal struggle to understand myself.

Self-concept is the beginning. It’s not about ego. In architecture it’s important to have an initial design concept, which sets out the parameters for a project to grow. Imagine yourself as that project, and imagine how you want to build the best version of yourself. One’s self-concept is critical to fending off manipulation by others. I was once accused of being an island unto myself, but I don’t mean to suggest that our self-concept has to be a fortress set up to prevent invasion. Even if we intend to have a philosophical moat around us, we still need to design a drawbridge for the occasional interaction with roving troupes of minstrels and other artisans, thereby bringing joy into our cloistered lives. The walls do not a castle make.

I’m familiar with the concepts of life as espoused beautifully by the fictional coach Ted Lasso. Much has been said about the creative collection of characters in this award winning television series. Lasso seems a fish out of water as he navigates his job in a perpetual cultural clash with owners, players, and football fans. Amusingly, a goldfish is used as an example of winning behaviour as part of Coach Lasso’s concept of team solidarity. His intention is not to win, but to build. He wants the sportsmen in his charge to be better individuals first, only then can they become champions. I exulted in the revelation that a key to satisfaction in life is to be curious, rather than judgmental.

Concept is a forest-sized idea. Big picture views are my cup-of-tea. Whenever I’m planning something, it’s the outcome I wish to grasp. That may start with a question like, “Why am I doing this?” I believe if we can conceive something in its finished form then it can become a reality. Luck can factor into the final result but we must consider those initial conceptual ‘what ifs’. Some currently held concepts defeat me because they are not logic-driven but faith-driven. A manifestation board is cute, and even affirming, but it won’t work unless you find the keys to your dreams of a better life.

Religion is merely a concept, based on fear more than faith. I’ve been in congregations where action has been a way to fulfill the big concept. Bringing a healthy concept into reality is like conceiving of a child in your life and making that happen. The Idea of creating a new human is so awesome it deserves regular decision making, revisions, accounting, and celebrating of milestones along the way. Biology is only the beginning.

Re: Sanity

I took a break from media for three days and found that I could translate the world news with a bit more detachment. I wanted to find out how to be sane in an insane world. Making sense of things for me is mathematical. I take my experience, add the ideas of trusted experts, blend in what feels like intuitive common sense, and I might end up with some clarity. Actually that reads more like a recipe, so go ahead and take a bite out of ‘Clarity’, and let me know how it tastes.

Freud comes to mind when I think of the search for sanity. Most people attach his genius to sexual things, especially motivations. He certainly has been maligned by that one aspect of his research. I consult Freud, in my imagination (WWFD?), when I’ve had a dream. In that subconscious state I am more relaxed and that is often key to embracing sanity. I can’t think well when I’m in an emotion state of craziness. During the softness of a dream, in day or night, I can fit puzzle pieces together in a more caretaking way. It’s no mystery to me that I can do better at a New York Times crossword when I am just a little tired. Performance anxiety is not a good partner when I can’t get that darn three letter answer to the clue.

Insanity has long been an excuse for bad behaviour. Sometimes an aggressor can get off in court for a ‘crime of passion’. We want to explain away a mass murderer because he couldn’t possibly be in his right mind. Wars are justified because the other side is mad, or worse still, not-human. In my book, any act of violence is an act of insanity because in moments of anger we have truly lost connection with ourselves. Insanity is a sign that we must check to see if we are still plugged in to our psyche. As far as punishment goes then maybe, in computer terms, we need a re-boot (not a boot in the butt, as violence begets more of the same).

I’ve been insanely in love. During those almost panic moments I have been of such singular mind that I’ve been a danger to myself. I once manically peddled my bike along unlit country roads, to deliver a rose, dark rain splashing around my clinging clothes. I was in a mental fever. Losing one’s sanity is not funny, but it does contribute to artistic expression. We have all had moments where we have snapped. Hopefully there has been someone around to safely guide us back to finding reason where we thought there was none to be found.

Admittance to an insane asylum used to be an answer to the fear that folks had of letting lost souls run amok in society. Visions of torture-like treatments, padded rooms, and straight jackets can still be found as reality in some parts of the world. Compassionate care remains a hallmark of a healthy society’s approach to times when citizens lose their way.

Re: Loving

Verbs have power in any language. This part of speech can provide clarity by showing an active intent. I’ve written before of Love and what it means to me; love as a concept, as a value, or as a thing we sometimes wrestle with. Loving is different.

Some say that hope is inspirational: But only when we start actively hoping, does anything change. Kindness, as a word, sort of sits there. When we see displays of loving kindness then a visual comes to mind and a goal can be set for us to respond. Loving can become part of our lifestyle choice, if we let it. Working, parenting, studying, creating, jogging, reading, and praying are all part of a sustainable and healthy lifestyle. When it comes to loving, we get sort of shy even though we want it to be part of our daily experience.

I’m not necessarily referring to the skin-to-skin type of loving (though I won’t exclude it). No, I’m looking for signs that I know what love has to do with it. And by It, I mean life. I believe the act of living requires loving. Otherwise it’s just something we talk about or try to conceptualize. In other words, if Love is something we value then Loving is something we must consciously do.

Sometimes we may catch ourselves saying, “I’m loving you” to a partner or special friend and it is so much more present tense than the standard “I love you”. Hopefully the recipient of your declaration can understand that you aren’t suggesting that you didn’t love them yesterday or way before the modern era of your relationship. What you want to get across is that you haven’t lost that loving feeling, you are in fact loving this very second of time with whoever happens to be sharing it with you.

Perhaps that’s why people resist making love an active thing, because your revelations may be misconstrued. As with all feelings, in order to communicate them accurately the folks involved have to at least agree on the definitions. This is beautifully made clear in the television series Somebody, Somewhere. The writing for this show is all about loving. The dialogue around Love is not conceptual but flowing with feeling. Characters describe with little effort how they are loving (or sometimes hating) how an event or circumstance is making them feel. The situations are laid out in the active tense, if you catch my meaning. One actor is loving their ice cream treat, another is hating going to church, another is loving discovering she can feel love again.

When I can hold space for loving thoughts my breathing changes. I become calmer, knowing that my loving attitude stops me from dismissing an idea, or an individual, out of hand. Likewise, if I can see that someone is loving me, it changes my perspective and makes me feel safer somehow in that given situation. Loving is a performance in this way, not a fake attempt to get along, but a horizon to keep in mind while navigating life.

Re: Relationship

My bride and I have great conversations. This truth was key to our relationship from the get-go. Over the years we have developed a nice back and forth rhythm that rarely sees turbulence. Sometimes though, one of us may take exception to the words of the other. It’s hard to backtrack and trace where the intellectual response changed to an emotional one. The trigger is usually released when one of us feels threatened.

We watched an intriguing movie called Companion. It’s advertised as a scary film but the story has deeper elements about the way in which folks view relationships. Key to the film’s plot is that the lead character is a robot (this is clear in the trailer so I’m not giving anything away). I found it fascinating how the film slowly revealed what the characters needed from each other. We find that all the lead boyfriend wants is sex (even though he’s shy to admit that fact to his friends). He doesn’t like the term ‘fuck-bot’ but that is really as far as the relationship with Iris (his rental robot) goes. He wants to use her to attain his goals. This one-way relationship is more common than we wish.

Which got me thinking about how we can have a bond with things; humans, ideas, other species, and almost anything. I can have a fondness for a coffee mug. I may cherish a memory or a comfy sweater. Some people are fine with their prime relationship being with a pet. I’m growing to love Time itself. Once when I was sitting by an ocean shoreline I thought everything about that moment was relatable. The people passing by, the birds in the air, the sound of the ocean swells connected to my heartbeat and breathing. It felt like I was part of the mysterious continuum. I didn’t want the relationship I was having with this singular moment to stop. Likewise, while reading a book, I can feel this dialogue between me and the author is as strong as if we were sharing a coffee together, at the same bistro table, on a beautiful day. I’ll finish the book not wanting to say goodbye. That’s a temporal relationship!

Comics make jokes about over-age children staying in their parents’ basement unable to face the ‘real world’ due to having formed limiting, constricting attachments to their video games. Back in my day my stamp collections sometimes kept me from exploring the wider population of folks who were different than me. In maturity, I believe finding a mutual connection is the most exhilarating thing one can experience. Paramount to the experience is a sense that you are giving as much as you are getting. That balance is tricky, sticky, messy, and confusing. When it comes to humans being together in the present, their separate pasts must be welcomed guests. A shared, interesting story of what happened, might infect or enhance the stories we’ll tell at some point in our future.

That’s where conversation creates a comfortable feedback loop. It’s better when things stay curious rather than turning chaotic.

Re: Blame

A young woman surprised me while sharing a story, saying she solved problems by finding someone to blame. There have been times when I’ve played the Blame Game so I wasn’t judging. However, I was shocked that pointing-the-finger would be her first choice for getting out of a difficult spot.

I believe it’s true that a finger, when pointed, will eventually turn back in your direction. Finding fault only stalls the effort to find a solution. In British Columbia we have no-fault auto insurance for that reason. When a traffic accident occurs, let’s conclude that what is needed is a resolve: fix the bumper, comfort the injured, and otherwise repair the damage. In all but the most unusual cases, if we drag each other to court then more problems will arise. I like that policy. Wouldn’t it be great if we went about resolving all our human woes by recognizing that we all play a part in the great dynamic of human existence.

It’s not always easy to concede though. Reconciliation takes time and cooperation. Sometimes we have to show humility even when we are bursting with self righteous indignation. I’ve been practicing putting myself to one side when I feel the upwelling of emotion. It’s not fence-sitting; more like going to a safe corner during a boxing match. In my mental time-out position, while I calm down, I can watch my imaginary, alternative self give some unnecessary blows. At the ring of the bell, ending this imaginary sparring, I can take stock, knowing I haven’t done any real damage by wanting my Point (jab, uppercut) to come first. Going for a knock-out punch is rarely necessary.

Victim impact statements are a bit like blaming, at least on the surface. Stating how another’s actions have altered your sense of security have value for the victim in getting feelings aired. The perpetrator of the offence may even learn something, or change their life-path. In a justice sense, finding fault is only really helpful if it changes the way we operate society’s systems. In other words, if we can truly find out the why of things, then maybe the answer will point the way to eliminating the origin of the problem.

While watching the film ‘Longing’ I was struck by the number of intersections we arrive at in life. These fictional characters discover some extremely challenging facts requiring them to choose: Do I go forward, back, or a multitude of sideways paths? Hopping on a Blame Train might have made their ride easier in the short run, but I liked the way restitution was found when apologies were given and allowances made, even in the face of trauma. This was the road less travelled. This was how to find truth and reconciliation.

In real life, we are all responsible for the wider picture. Most times the best thing to do is consult yourself first, without guilt. Blaming yourself is as bad as blaming others! Seeing the ultimate goal as being a learning experience will calm your urge to say, “Why me?”

Re: Mistake

I don’t like the phrase, ‘We all make mistakes’. It has a let-me-off-the-hook sort of vibe to it. We see the underlying theme of this phrase often as in Brittany Spears singing ‘Oops I did it again.’ Yes, the reality is that we humans err, but there is no sense of accountability when someone shrugs. In politics there may even be examples of a cover-up rather than an admission of any responsibility. A Director in the recording industry, television, or movies can ask for another take, if the first performances have missed the mark. Yet a shout of “Take Two!” is not going to cut it in an argument with someone you care about. On the in-real-time stage of life scenarios, the miss-takes are unfixable, since the show must go on.

“My Bad” or the snotty version, “Mea Culpa” is not a replacement for an apology. I guess being a Canadian I am hard wired to be apologetic. But a sorry verbalization that comes naturally is still not an excuse if I have exhibited bad behaviour. I once kept my whole young family waiting at a campsite for me to return from an errand of my own obsession. I wanted a silly travel sticker to complete my collection for a Great Lake Superior Tour promotion. So I left everyone to pack up the travel trailer while I went into town early. In my excitement, at the tourist parking lot, I locked my keys in the truck. Long story short, I got my sticker and was rescued by an affable hydro worker who had just the right length of wire to pull my vehicle’s lock button. But, I had kept my loved ones waiting nervously, thinking I had been in an accident. That’s on me.

We don’t always try to learn from our mistakes though. In the film ‘Juror #2’ the role of mistakes in one’s life is examined through an extended courtroom scene. Slowly the errors of human behaviour and the systems created to provide a sense of justice are revealed. It’s a film that explores cynicism, righteousness, loyalty and community standards to resolve what began as an accident of deathly proportions. We can learn from art.

Misinformed, miscalculated, misrepresented, misspoken, misfortune, and misunderstandings are part of the vocabulary of the errant human. Sometimes we screw-up and sometimes it seems that the universe conspires to make our life difficult. Yes there are such things as innocent mistakes, even innocent bystanders. Even in those occasions when we feel blind-sided or personally hard-done-by, I feel we can learn something to try to prevent another mishap. Accidents are sometimes preventable with a little forethought. My elderly mom blamed herself when she fractured her hip. She went into a darkened room to fetch something and slipped on a bit of plastic on the floor. “If only I had slowed down and thought it through.” She said of her fall. She walks about very carefully now, so I guess you could say that was a lesson learned.

Would that each of us could learn something from the vastness of human experience!

Re: Evil

Like most people, I choose to hear no evil, speak no evil and see no evil. But it’s hard these days not to at least ponder the use of this word. Evil seems to be all around us right now. It’s written about in our newspapers, it’s demonstrated on our nightly news, it pops up on our social media sites. I think evil holds some kind of attraction yet I am puzzled as to why.

One genre of film or book I least like is horror. I shy away from tales of the bad deeds that humans do onto others. My recreational viewing and reading is a search for the best we humans can be while overcoming the restrictions of existence. Stories of evil are prevalent in any historical age and no nation is immune from showing inhumanity in policy or deed. Sometimes we Canadians get sanctimonious when it comes to our presence on the world stage yet one only needs to turn to our government’s record regarding the treatment of indigenous populations to put us in our place.

Evil lives in people’s minds. Ignorance can be manipulated by someone to promote and nurture an evil intention. Evil is present whenever I think I can use someone else to attain my goals. Use can quickly turn to abuse if the result of a personal or professional transaction is not satisfactory. Beyond the individual, entire community power structures can be created to maintain the status quo. Society quickly becomes a Them against Us scenario. The abusive power invokes fear through threats and intimidations. An evil power thrives when the community is uneducated. Even majority populations can be cowed into believing things that are not true. False narratives become integral to the structure of Evil.

Prejudice forms part of the root of Evil: That creeping thought that enters the mind suggesting that you, or we, are better than those others, over there. Evil grows. It’s an egregious event to see and hear folks suddenly turn against each other. Sides are chosen by leaders spouting rhetoric that fans the hatred. If you are not with us then you might be considered stupid, or worse, like animals. The road to expressions of indecency towards our fellow creatures is not winding, nor is it as short a distance as we might wish to believe. Thoughts of defence, turn to acts of revenge, turn to denial of the very existence of the other, all too quickly.

Blame is cloaked evil. Many could be named as prophets of hell: Hitler is often invoked yet there are others who have taken a leadership role in acts of inexcusable terror throughout history. Measuring the severity of the crime against humanity gets us a list of who to blame but doesn’t absolve those who clapped, who made deals, who saluted, who perpetrated the policy, who cast their vote. Few can say they had no role. When the finger pointing is done we are still not absolved of responsibility.

Ideologically, we are no better than our neighbour, even if someone tries to convince us it’s true.

Re: Manners

What might be considered offensive to some is quite acceptable to others. Simply put; that is what the word Manners means to me. I don’t need a dictionary to soften the edges of my definition so please don’t be offended by my bluntness. Words can offend, behaviour can offend, one’s choice of hair style may offend. All this because a culture is defined by its manner of existence.

Societies are built on acceptable performance. Etiquette is taught early, and often by shaming. Parents dole out these initial nuggets of advice/discipline. Junior will be admonished for picking his nose, or pulling down his pants. The little one must learn that certain gaseous noises will not be tolerated. Kids learn that we are not amused when children make too much noise or run too fast. There is always a measure of respectability that must be adhered to or an elder will make us blush with regret. Youth are not off the hook outside the home either. School and church confirm or contradict the comportment required while a person is functioning as a member of the community. Adults can get quick tutorials too: Government officials are coached in proper manners when they assume an ambassador’s responsibilities. Those of lower socioeconomic status or non white skin colour often end up in jail.

I’ve never been impressed by high society. Ann Landers, Dear Abby or Martha Stewart types aren’t about to change my mind if they think something is a ‘good thing’. I shall not follow that lead. I have low tolerance for self appointed protocol police. If something is publicly regulated I will consider the reasoning behind the statute before I buy into it. If conduct is judged just because it’s considered ‘Proper’ then I’ll give it the royal wave or the middle finger salute, in a manner of speaking.

Those touting good manners are often guilty of pointing the finger: ‘How could you!’ quickly becomes, ‘How dare you!’ which then degrades to, ‘Shame on you!’ Artists and entertainers are often unfairly judged by those who look down their noses. A recent documentary about Sinead O’Connor was a case in point. Her talent and valid protests became secondary considerations in the face of impolite demeanour. Here was a beautiful singer and sexual activist, unfairly beaten down, shunned even, by those holier than thou elements of the music industry and the religious community. She dared to be different.

Manners are a human construct. Modern civilizations don’t tend to embrace differences. We are wary of the odd man out. We worry what’s behind a questioner of authority. That may be why politicians so rarely suggest outside the box solutions, because any non-conformity to traditional mannerly thinking is threatening to order and good government.

Isn’t it a wonder then, how we can ever get to addressing the big issues without making offence. It’s easier to say, ‘But that’s not how we do things here!’ Revolutionary thinking is bad manners. So there! Let’s just accept it, then let’s get on with the important stuff in life.

Re: Play

A friend of mine asked the other day, “What do you do for fun?” I had to think, and I’m still thinking. In days gone by I might have made a list which included; playing street hockey, snow castle building, pick-up baseball, fishing or splashing around in a creek. Now, at age 71, my definition of fun is very different. I wonder if my ability to even have fun is still in play.

In the video playback in my brain, my first thoughts around playing are of the sandbox. My dad built my sister and me one of those playthings when we were toddlers. We were sad to leave it behind but we found one came with the courtyard of the apartment when we moved to Scarborough. This one had triangular corner wooden seats where mothers sat to watch over their children playing with strangers. Much later I built a deluxe rectangular sandbox so that my three sons could play safely in the backyard of our duplex in Timmins. I crafted a cover to prevent other animals from peeing and pooping in it, since awareness of intestinal worms brought fear to the hearts of parents at that time in history.

Playgrounds come in many configurations. I had a summer job one year creating modular climbing stuff for kids to enable them to build muscle and expand their imaginations. It’s amazing how designs of wood, metal, plastic and rope can foster team building, giggles galore, the sharing of secrets and playful expressions of friendship. Whenever I pass one in my neighbourhood I feel triggered by childhood memories. I love the happy sounds of children playing freely yet I don’t linger by the fencing since I’m sensitive about my maleness. We can’t play innocent when it comes to ignorance of society’s current insecurities.

The world of imagination is not limited to youth. The push and pull of good and evil is often played out in the theatre. Truth be told, the play’s the thing I’m most attracted to when it comes to thoughts of fun at my stage of life. I’ve never been involved in a theatrical production but I sure have felt my emotional response as an audience member watching the plot unfold on the stage. I’m envious of Playwrights for being able to use their way with words, and then on completion, creating an opportunity for so many other artists to interpret and extend their work. 

I can delight in watching others have fun. I feel lucky to be a grandfather so I can get a chance to relive some of my infancy vicariously. Sometimes, the toddler I’m being silly with might look at me like I’m an alien from another planet: I’m handed a bit of Play-Doh and I start to mold a goofy face and I’m told, ‘Not THAT way!’ Or I’m given a balloon and I start to punch it crazily and my granddaughter runs crying to her mommy.

Silly is something I do for fun. It may not play well with others.

Re: Plan

At one point in my sister’s life she was offered a job as an assistant city planner. I was surprised until I realized it was part of my mother’s plans for her. My sister and I were opposites in the ways of organizing one’s life: she was ever the spontaneous type, while I was very careful about every step I took. My mother, on the other hand, loved to create objectives for others. When my sis declined the offer of the city job my mom behaved like the Big Bang had just occurred. I watched the fireworks and vowed never to organize another soul’s life.

Perhaps it is a sign of the times when we let professionals plan our life events. Travel Advisors, Tour Guides, Fitness Trainers, Personal Shoppers and Menu Planners are some of the helping professions that suggest many are opting away from self care. Wedding planners have been around for a while but the occupation Life Coach suggests some of us have lost the skill to manage our own lives. My sister may have benefitted from a Personal Manager. She associated setting goals with a lack of freedom. I am amazed when others don’t prepare for their own future. My recently deceased father-in-law had no notion of planning for his declining years. At 94, on his deathbed, he said, “I didn’t see this coming.” Leaving his daughter and wife to sort out what he had left behind.

To plan is a part of my DNA so I like to be the one having a plan of action. I don’t want to be some piece of krill or bit of biota floating on the breeze or drifting in the sea spray. I may not always know where I want to go, but I like having a system that tells me I’m headed somewhere with purpose. Recently I was flustered by a friend who came to spend time with my wife. The visit had a next door neighbour drop-in feel but she came with her husband and flew across three provinces. With flimsy aspirations for a whole week, they had left it up to us to create a game plan. My lover rose to their expectations in spectacular fashion, leaving me feeling like a caught fish helplessly gasping for air in the bottom of a boat.

I like to be ready for a rainy day, yet I won’t go so far as to have an earthquake/tsunami emergency kit in my pantry. I feel comfort when my savings account is at a certain self-imposed amount. I don’t jump in the car and head off without an idea of my itinerary and an old fashioned foldable road map is in my glove box. To plan is to have peace of mind, it’s a way to corral the unknowables of time and place. Planning is the guide book of life. A character in the book Shark Heart by Emily Habeck used this logic when describing the value of making plans: A Plan leads to Control which leads to Peace.