A friend showed surprise when she saw that I was reading Nobody’s Girl by Virginia Roberts Giuffre. I told her I wanted to know one person’s account of the daily sound track that is the Jeffrey Epstein File. She admitted that she had to create a boundary to protect herself from the bombardment of reports of abuse from the United States of America. I could see her point.
Abuse happens when our boundaries are violated. The Giuffre memoir records her sexual abuse starting at age 8 from the hands of her father and subsequently her father’s friend. Those opening pages reminded me of my 9 year old sister being sexually touched by a neighbour in our apartment block. There were tears, shrieks of anger, police were called and then the drama all seemed to vanish. The trauma remained as it does for all who have been trespassed. At age 11, while in Boy Scouts, a fellow troop member tried to fondle me. I felt fear but couldn’t bring myself to report the incident to our leader. There is guilt, shame, and other complex emotions connected to incidents like these. Society’s view doesn’t often help.
The Epsteins&Maxwells of this world are fortunately not many. In Canada the names of Bernardo&Homolka (The Ken&Barbie Killers) are familiar for similar sexual abuses. Yet these extremely selfish individuals have many enablers. All it can take is an off-hand remark or a nudge-nudge, wink-wink attitude. Those who joke about victims of abuse can live right next door, or work in the next office cubical.
Society failed Giuffre for not responding to several reports of abuse. Communities often look the other way when it comes to something regarded as unpleasant. When it comes to a person making themselves more important than another, I title that abuse. The simplicity of that definition stops my mind from playing a game of ‘Just how bad was it?’ Fundamentally, abuse is about power over another. Intimidation is abuse. Taking more resources than you need is abuse. Lying is abuse. Denying someone a chance to speak is abuse. Crowding another’s space is abuse. “I didn’t know.” Or “I didn’t mean it” will never be an excuse to me. Simply put, if you took advantage of the situation you have been abusive.
In this regard it doesn’t matter to me what type of abuse we are discussing; sexual, mental, physical, financial, social, or emotional. Abuse can be subtle manipulation, gas lighting, or ghosting someone by not texting. If the only way your needs can be met is by trashing another, then that’s abuse. I used to say to my sons when they became teens and were subjected to the horrors of peer pressure that they could count on me for support. We talked a lot in those days about fairness and justice. I told them if they were ever in a compromising situation they could invoke my presence in their lives to others with, “My dad would kill me!” They could use me that way and I would be happier for it, because they might gain a measure of safety.
Catch My Drift? 