Tag: decisions

Re: Estrangement

Estrangement is one of those awesome words that can spice up a discussion. It’s a pretty deep conversation starter but I’d bet that it’s a more common topic than you would think. Most people set boundaries when it comes to who they let into their lives. If the relationship goes south, it’s often best to cut the tie that binds before further problems arise. It could take a drastic measure like a restraining order, or it can be a more mild form of restricted access like refusing to text back. Our modern phones are set up to show the incoming call giving us the opportunity to decide if we want to engage. That helps with robo-calls but it can also provide a buffer for when we just can’t handle an engagement at that particular moment. Anyone who has gone through a break-up can understand the conflicting needs of desire and distance. A parting of the ways is often required for the heart to mend.

Estrangement is no stranger to me. From my adolescence onward, I watched the back and forth between my sister and our mother. Wicked, at times, it was. Sometimes there was humour, even beauty in the ugliness. I learned early to separate myself from the ongoing  dissections of motive, anger, resentment, and expectational failure that unfolded from our childhood home, into adult directions. Several times (more than I can count) I cheered from the sidelines as seeds of reconciliation appeared to germinate. More often than not it was merely an armistice declared from the exhaustion of it all. My young sister might proclaim, “I never want to speak to you again!” While my mom would search for support to prove that she was in the right. My dad was ineffectual as he tried endlessly to calm the waters. I was often asked to be an ally to either side but my signature on that memorandum of understanding had to be avoided for my own sanity.

Estrangement came too late for the first two women in my life. My sister felt shunned, berated, or both in equal measure. I watched her try harder to patch things up when she got older, but to no avail. She turned to alcohol to ease the pain of rejection and died early, being unable to reconcile with our mother who had died before her. Their’s was a toxic relationship to be sure! In the later years of my mom’s life I tended to her needs, just barely. I was able to bring her across the country to a nursing home, hoping to give my sister a break from our mom’s endless criticism. Tragically, that wasn’t enough. I have regrets that I couldn’t have found a way to intervene earlier. I was never on the front lines of fire during these family wars, but I still suffer from shell-shock.

Close to the end of my mom’s life she asked me to hold her hand. I could not grasp that strange five-fingered thing because the mother-in-it had disappeared long ago.

Re: Yes

The YES/NO binary fascinates me. When I went to university computers were a becoming thing. Beginning science students at my college had to take a basic programming course. We used punch cards, stacks of them. We talked Fortran to a whirligig machine the size of a classroom. The best thing I got out of the course was learning Flow Chart methodology. I still use this principle to make personal decisions.

Life is not always a matter of a yes or no decision. A yes answer to a question can mean you agree, and when it comes to a contractual understanding I believe it shows strong character to commit to the outcome. On the other hand, saying yes can also be a process to finding out. I always told my young sons when they were out with others that if things went south and they started to feel uncomfortable, they could always call me for a pick up. Deciding yes doesn’t mean there is no turning back, yes doesn’t mean you are stuck. There is always something else you can do; it’s quite fine to change your mind.

When we are in autopilot we probably don’t think too much about our Yes/No response rate. Most of our lives we just flow along. I’ve said a resounding Yes to marriage twice in my life. Choosing teaching as a career was a fateful Yes. I’ve chosen affirmative responses to life changing questions when folks have shown confidence in me even when I have doubted my own ability. I once chose to question the YES of life in the midst of some dark days.

Back when I was coding those punch cards, the computer could only determine between one and zero. Like an On/Off switch the pathway to an answer flowed like an electrical current until a solution was found. As we move closer to AI robotics I wonder if we’ll be able to program something like a shrug into a SimBot. A simple yes or no is restrictive to creativity. A Maybe thrown in, once in a while, can stimulate imagination.

I love saying Yes. But it’s not always a practical answer. My wife says I’m a very emphatic person. I joke with her sometimes that life would be more fun if there was a limit to the negatives; Don’t, Not now, Not really, Never! M’Eh is the worst: That response combines a dismissive attitude with an apathetic outlook. Nothing is ever accomplished with a M’Eh. Unfortunately my reflex response, whenever we are out shopping, is No! I hate being a spoilsport. I can make firm and relatively quick decisions because I know myself well but my mind is not suited for a black or white rigid existence either.

My mother-in-law showed me her wedding pictures yesterday. She’s been saying her final goodbyes to her husband of 68 years. It took him nine years before he agreed to the union. I watched her smile like Mona Lisa as these memories played about in her head. Her lifetime started with a Yes.